For almost ten years, I have written faithfully in journals. Much like my occasional writing here, it helps me process my thoughts and understand myself. I have over 20 used journals littering my room, full of my deepest musings. Should you investigate (and my goodness, please don't) you would find that in 1998, those included my burning desire for bangs like Cher in "Clueless." In 2001, I talked about how sad a friend had made me. The summer of 2003, I loved my friends so much and was devastated that I would have to leave them. 2004 and 2005 were very hard years at Taylor, when I hit a wall because I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. Every entry was a vortex of depression, self deprecation and fear of the seemingly bleak future.
For that very reason, reading old journals used to make me cringe. I can't believe how immature I was and it was scary to see the things I struggled with, because I still struggled with them. I could document the birth of a fear or a stumbling block with almost frightening precision. In fact, very frightening. At times, I would muster up the courage to open a book from my sophomore year of high school, and would be upset by the time I reached the bottom of page one.
In the fall of 2005, I can begin to see a change. My time at Focus on the Family Institute was incredible and by the end, I was finally learning who I was, and who God was. I am still learning both of those, of course, and I will always be a student in that way. Yesterday, I opened a journal from six months ago. I have filled it since then, and another after it, but I was wondering last night where I was at the beginning of 2007. What a joy it was to read.
While I still wondered about many things, especially as I was waiting to hear from OMS and was still trying to open my heart and allow myself to really fall in love with Brazil, each page was a beautiful reminder of wonderful times with the Lord. My routine at home is different than it was at school, but while I was still at Taylor I would park myself on my purple couch every night, worship, and write my prayers. Reading over those intimate moments was so refreshing. While just a few years ago, I would write almost every day about wanting to change myself, here I sought the Lord and His desires for me, even though I will always struggle with those same things. It's scary and with God it seems like you're always hanging for dear life onto a tree limb or the side of a cliff, or to a buoy in turbulent waters.
But let me tell you, that is a much easier way to live.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
If you want me to...
Ginny Owens sings a song about going through the valley or the fire if He wants us to. Sometimes we find ourselves in places we don't understand, and while I cannot say that I am in
one at the moment, they so often come without warning. However, even in those times of pain where we fear being burned, or believe that if we do not see some sunshine soon we won't make it, we still have to be confident of our stories.
Everyone has a story, and this is a theme that seems to be coming up in my life more and more. Today, I learned that a friend's dad died suddenly. I learned of another whose father abused her when she was young. While one now deals with the loss of a loved one and the other lives with the pain of past abuse, both these women have stories that need to be told.
When I listen to stories like these, I wonder what my story will turn out to be. But that is not the point of life right now. The point is to keep living the story that is currently unfolding. It is exciting and it is painful. Sometimes I just sit down and cry because of how much is out of my control and is only in God's hands. But other times I can only laugh when I see how beautifully He has orchestrated everything in my life thus far.
Last year, my story looked much different. I was at Focus on the Family Institute and decided it would be fun to spend my spring break in Brazil with Taylor World Outreach, once I got back to Taylor University in the spring. On a whim, I applied and was accepted, learning later that was the most applied-for trip and the team was chosen very carefully. So I went...and that was that. Now it is seeming like that was the end of Book I of Christine's life because it will all be building off of that one small trip.
Or maybe not.
But that is the very thing that keeps life interesting around here. Don't you want to keep reading? I do.
one at the moment, they so often come without warning. However, even in those times of pain where we fear being burned, or believe that if we do not see some sunshine soon we won't make it, we still have to be confident of our stories.
Everyone has a story, and this is a theme that seems to be coming up in my life more and more. Today, I learned that a friend's dad died suddenly. I learned of another whose father abused her when she was young. While one now deals with the loss of a loved one and the other lives with the pain of past abuse, both these women have stories that need to be told.
When I listen to stories like these, I wonder what my story will turn out to be. But that is not the point of life right now. The point is to keep living the story that is currently unfolding. It is exciting and it is painful. Sometimes I just sit down and cry because of how much is out of my control and is only in God's hands. But other times I can only laugh when I see how beautifully He has orchestrated everything in my life thus far.
Last year, my story looked much different. I was at Focus on the Family Institute and decided it would be fun to spend my spring break in Brazil with Taylor World Outreach, once I got back to Taylor University in the spring. On a whim, I applied and was accepted, learning later that was the most applied-for trip and the team was chosen very carefully. So I went...and that was that. Now it is seeming like that was the end of Book I of Christine's life because it will all be building off of that one small trip.
Or maybe not.
But that is the very thing that keeps life interesting around here. Don't you want to keep reading? I do.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Dear Embassy,
...please give me a visa.
Sincerely,
Christine
Well, the application has been in process for a couple weeks now, and I received a call last week informing me that I needed to send in a little more information. I complied on Friday, and I hope to hear from the visa agency sometime by the end of this week whether or not that was acceptable. The woman I spoke with told me that if I was able to prove that I had enough money to buy the plane ticket (which I do, thankfully) and could provide them with a letter from Gwen, with whom I will be staying, proving that she does in fact exist and did "invite" me to stay with her, I will have the visa. I'm trusting that what I mailed will be sufficient to do that. I'm really not sure.
Please continue to keep this in your prayers. It has really been a rollercoaster of hoping and praying and I am constantly trying to give up what I want for what the Lord wants. He has shown me time and time again that He wants me in Brazil. The only thing is that I don't know when or how. His timing is often different than ours, and it could turn out that I'll finally make it back when I'm 74. Maybe then I'll be ready.
I'm praying that I'll be 22, 1 month, and 1 day.
But...I'm leaving that up to Him, of course.
Sincerely,
Christine
Well, the application has been in process for a couple weeks now, and I received a call last week informing me that I needed to send in a little more information. I complied on Friday, and I hope to hear from the visa agency sometime by the end of this week whether or not that was acceptable. The woman I spoke with told me that if I was able to prove that I had enough money to buy the plane ticket (which I do, thankfully) and could provide them with a letter from Gwen, with whom I will be staying, proving that she does in fact exist and did "invite" me to stay with her, I will have the visa. I'm trusting that what I mailed will be sufficient to do that. I'm really not sure.
Please continue to keep this in your prayers. It has really been a rollercoaster of hoping and praying and I am constantly trying to give up what I want for what the Lord wants. He has shown me time and time again that He wants me in Brazil. The only thing is that I don't know when or how. His timing is often different than ours, and it could turn out that I'll finally make it back when I'm 74. Maybe then I'll be ready.
I'm praying that I'll be 22, 1 month, and 1 day.
But...I'm leaving that up to Him, of course.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Blinding Light vs. Common Sense
"I need some tablets or something!" Janet so aptly said after we at Warm Blankets watched an installment of a Ray Vanderlaan teaching series. He had just taught about Paul's conversion experience and his first stop in Antioch after being blinded on the road to Damascus, and we were all discussing why God doesn't just grab our attention with bright lights and booming voices like He did Paul, or give us some stone tablets with clear directions like He did Moses. Well, sometimes He does in His own way, and as Janet also said later, it's good to remember those things too.
On Wednesday, I carried my blue "Brazil" folder into the Post Office and shipped my passport and an attached visa application to Arlington, VA. I am desperately hoping it will return to me in just a week or two, with a sticker in it that says I can go to Brazil as much as I want (or rather, 180 days out of each year) for 5 years. In this time of waiting, I have once again been brought back to a place of utter dependence on God and also of remembrance of His faithfulness and past direction.
I suppose I have had some moments where I felt God really hit me over the head and told me where I should go. And like He showed Paul in Antioch, as Ray Vanderlaan described, He has also shown me "this is where you're supposed to be." The rainbow spread across the countryside in Parana is one example, and the dozens that I saw the day before I left Brazil served also as a reminder that it wouldn't be the last. Another was when I emailed OMS and had Jim email me back hours later saying he would like to have lunch with me that week. Or how about meeting and being able to sing for two new Brazilian friends in Florida? God has been clear, and He isn't going to stop now.
It is easy for me to wonder and to doubt at this point in my journey. I have thought more in the last two or three days about whether or not I will actually make it to Brazil than I have in a long time. What if I totally missed a turn? What if I'm following a white rabbit through its hole, only to come up on the other side of the dinner table? What if I want this so badly that I have stopped listening to God and am so immersed in my own twisted reality that I have no idea what is going on?
I have no idea.
But I do know that this is what God requires: abandonment.
"If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself— begin to have spiritual discernment."
-Oswald Chambers
My lines are cut and I can't even see the dock anymore. I'm floating, the tide is swelling, and I'm holding on. But in the same way that Jesus calmed the storm with his disciples, I know He can here too. And I hope that I can have a little more faith in Him than they did in that situation...although at the moment, that is merely high on my to-do list, not so much a reality.
On Wednesday, I carried my blue "Brazil" folder into the Post Office and shipped my passport and an attached visa application to Arlington, VA. I am desperately hoping it will return to me in just a week or two, with a sticker in it that says I can go to Brazil as much as I want (or rather, 180 days out of each year) for 5 years. In this time of waiting, I have once again been brought back to a place of utter dependence on God and also of remembrance of His faithfulness and past direction.
I suppose I have had some moments where I felt God really hit me over the head and told me where I should go. And like He showed Paul in Antioch, as Ray Vanderlaan described, He has also shown me "this is where you're supposed to be." The rainbow spread across the countryside in Parana is one example, and the dozens that I saw the day before I left Brazil served also as a reminder that it wouldn't be the last. Another was when I emailed OMS and had Jim email me back hours later saying he would like to have lunch with me that week. Or how about meeting and being able to sing for two new Brazilian friends in Florida? God has been clear, and He isn't going to stop now.
It is easy for me to wonder and to doubt at this point in my journey. I have thought more in the last two or three days about whether or not I will actually make it to Brazil than I have in a long time. What if I totally missed a turn? What if I'm following a white rabbit through its hole, only to come up on the other side of the dinner table? What if I want this so badly that I have stopped listening to God and am so immersed in my own twisted reality that I have no idea what is going on?
I have no idea.
But I do know that this is what God requires: abandonment.
"If you yourself do not cut the lines that tie you to the dock, God will have to use a storm to sever them and to send you out to sea. Put everything in your life afloat upon God, going out to sea on the great swelling tide of His purpose, and your eyes will be opened. If you believe in Jesus, you are not to spend all your time in the calm waters just inside the harbor, full of joy, but always tied to the dock. You have to get out past the harbor into the great depths of God, and begin to know things for yourself— begin to have spiritual discernment."
-Oswald Chambers
My lines are cut and I can't even see the dock anymore. I'm floating, the tide is swelling, and I'm holding on. But in the same way that Jesus calmed the storm with his disciples, I know He can here too. And I hope that I can have a little more faith in Him than they did in that situation...although at the moment, that is merely high on my to-do list, not so much a reality.
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