The garden...

I bet if Jesus had tylenol pm back in his day, he wouldn't have stayed up all night praying and swaeting blood in the Garden of Gethsemane. However, thanks to modern over the counter medication, I slept like a baby last night, waking up throughout the morning to pray. I would have loved to see a videotape of me sleeping, because I would literally start awake at 6, 7:30, 8, and say a mumbled, sleepy prayer before falling back into a slightly medicated stupor.

So I should hear in about 30 minutes, somehow...not sure if Joaquim is going to call me or get to a computer, so I am just on the alert and have the volume turned up all the way.

If I had to guess...I would say that I have a good feeling about it. This morning I got a little worried and began to pray, plead really, that it would all work out and a verse popped into my head before I could even finish my sentence.

"For as the rain and snow fall from heaven and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." - Isaiah 55:10-11

That is not only encouraging to me in my hopes that God is in on this and it's not just us trying and hoping in vain, but it also humbled me to read. Because our lives are more than our wants and desires. They are God's plans for us. While I am happy to be dating Joaquim and glad that God has worked it out so far for us to be together, in a way that never would have happened on its own, because HE worked it out, we are ultimately His servants. Our lives are truly not our own, and his purposes and desires are beyond our understanding. The best that we can do is surrender everything to him and rejoice in whatever the outcome may be, because we know it is the outcome that the Lord executed. HIS word will not return to HIM empty. It may bless us along the way, but ultimately, it is His and is part of a much larger plan than we could ever understand.
(Comparing it to rain and snow proves that, because I never really understood that precipitation cycle in high school biology.)

peanut butter crackers

Life is ridiculous.

If someone had told me two weeks ago that I would be feeling this way on Wednesday, February 27th, I would have said they were crazy.

Two weeks ago, I was in Assis Chateaubriand, basking in the Brazilian summer, and running late for church. I typed up a testimony to share and Joaquim was frantically correcting my simple translation attempt. We had some hurried coffee as the sun poured in through the kitchen window, cooking whoever sat in its path, and then jumped into the car at 7pm, just when church was supposed to start. Knowing me, I forgot the testimony at Raquel's house, sitting in her printer, and of course couldn't deliver it without my handy Portuguese paper. So we hopped in another car and ran back for the paper and got to church just in time. We sang a song and then I spoke, once again crying and I was very emotional through the whole service. That evening was my last night before I left, and after sharing a little about myself and my experience there, I had the strange feeling that everyone suddenly liked me a little bit more. It was a relief to know that people had truly seen my heart, maybe through my tears, and also ironic that those things always seem to happen the day before I leave somewhere. The last time, I was like "wait just a second..." about a certain young man, and that seemed to work out pretty well. : )

Anyway. Today I'm in Palatine, IL, and there is snow up against the house. I'm working at Warm Blankets Orphan Care, once again, much to the surprise of Janet, the woman who told me in August that she wouldn't get rid of my application file because she knew I'd come back. I laughed and said no way at the time...and now I'm in for good. So far, it is a different job than I was doing before, in a great way.

As for those peanut butter crackers...well, that is my new outlook on life. Let me explain.
While working for a non-profit organization, there is a lot of great self-validation that goes on during the workday. Like, wow, I'm doing something that matters to someone. However, when you get home in the evenings and open the refrigerator, you realize that what you're doing doesn't matter very much to your life. This is always a challenge, but I recieved a funny and strangely encouraging text message last night from my dear friend and future apartment-mate Janell. It simply said, "peanut butter crackers," which is apparently all we will be eating, on our floor, because we won't be able to afford food OR furniture. Now every time I talk budgets with my dad or look at how much cell phone plans cost or try to change my car insurance to my name, I just think...peanut butter crackers. A great source of protein and carbohydrates, so it's a full meal, and what in the world do I have to complain about? I'm not seeing anything.

God has also blessed me already with an incredible peace about Friday's visa result, which is now less than 48 hours away. He is so good, and who am I to think He doesn't know what He's doing? Basically, I'm done worrying about that. I'm just done.
However, stopping worrying doesn't mean stopping praying! So I would appreciate all of your prayers for me and for Joaquim on Friday morning, and I can't wait to give you the news! He will be overwhelmed with people wanting to meet him in April, so I'd get your name in now if you want an appointment. : )

Great is Thy Faithfulness

I may be home from Brazil, but this business of trusting God is never-ending...and let's be honest, I am definitely going back to Brazil someday, so I can't stop my journey of waiting and praying and working towards that. And now, I am once again in a position of blind trust, as we are waiting to hear on Friday if Joaquim will be awarded a tourist visa to come visit for the month of April.

In thinking on that, I have been reminded a lot in the last few days all that God has done for us and for me in my Brazilian escapades already. I remembered when I was waiting for my visa, and today I actually read my blog from that time. I am feeling similarly, and worrying the same things, and God is telling me the same things. He has proven to me time and time and time again that He is making a way. Even, where there seems to be no way. It's not a cliche or an old song. It's true.

Remember when I renewed my visa in November, and I didn't have a document that I needed? I thought I threw it away. It was the entry slip that customs gives you and stamps, as well as stamping your passport. Well, I didn't have it, and it is required to do any sort of visa renewal. But, God provided a friend who did it anyway, trusting me. Then when I left the country, a woman asked me for tha tpiece of paper. I just said I didn't have it...then she took my passport and first flipped to my 2006 visa. She looked confused, and I directed her to the next page. She saw my 2007 visa. She nodded, then saw that it was issued in July and was for 90 days, and looked confused. I once again directed her to the next page, and then she nodded like "ooooook, good..." She stamped the passport and said thank you, and I was on my way. Legal, stamped, not in trouble and it was fine. I sat down at my gate and was looking for something in my laptop case...I found the jacket for my ticket from August. And inside of it was that silly entry slip. The moment before I left the country, after I'd gone through the exit process. I couldn't help but laugh. The Lord hid that from me just to show off and show me how He COULD maneuver me through everything that would come my way. He IS bigger than that. And He is big enough to get Joaquim a visa too.

So, that is Friday at 9am in Sao Paulo...6am Central time...he'll have an interview proving that he won't stay here forever illegaly, and hopefully it will result in a stamp at the end that says he can come visit. It would be an incredible answer to prayer, and hopefully the beginning of many more things...but it's always a test of trust and a lesson in faith. 2 of the most obnoxious things to learn. Patience is also constant company, and among all of those, I will either go crazy or become a saint. We'll see...

Some pictures

I'm currently in Washington DC with my family, here for a long weekend...it's really a good de-briefing time for me I think, otherwise I would be too overwhelmed with life. However, I definitely am not a big fan of the thought that I have to jump into life with both feet forward now. But, meetings are being scheduled, things are being planned, and moving on feels good sometimes. Only sometimes.

Back

So...I'm home, alive and well. It was the saddest goodbye and hardest day of my life...but I made it.

Will write a real update later, but just wanted to let you all know.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Washington DC, and then will be back to reallllllly settle in on Tuesday. I might have a garage sale or go crazy on ebay, because I'm realizing that my room is full of stuff I NEVER use, and I barely have room to unpack. Anyone want to buy books, ugly clothes, or a picture frame or something? I'm your girl.

TOEFL, gray hairs, and why they are related

I currently write to you from the city hall of Assis Chateaubriand, where I am apparently allowed to use Joaquim´s computer and the internet. Well...as you may have remembered, the TOEFL results were updated online today. Joaquim woke up from a dream at like 5:30am...he was dreaming that someone from the US handed him a stack of papers. And on top of them all was a stamp. He couldn´t read it, but he knew the idea of what it said. It said he was denied, and that this wasn´t the way for him to go. Right at that moment, he woke up with a start and went straight to the computer. There he saw his score, after some struggling with passwords...he needed a 75-79, if you recall...and he got a 62. Guhhhhh. He came to my window at 5:45am to tell me. It´s still settling in, because I don´t even know how it´s POSSIBLE. Like, he got a 66 the first time he took it in July of 2006. And his English has greatly improved since then. Greatly. So...I don´t get it. But it´s the way it is.

As of now, I don´t know what the plan is to approach the rest of the situation. Isaac said his dad wants to pay for Joaquim to take it again. But he doesn´t want to take itbecause he´s sick of not passing, and nothing much is going to change in such a short time. I kind of agree. I really don´t know what is going to happen. Maybe a visit to Christine in April if he doesn´t get in. He´s still sending everything to Moody, regardless of the fact that he didn´t get the score he needed...but...well, you know. Lots and lots of prayers and any suggestions in a moment of brilliance would be appreciated.

Anyway.............

Yesterday was kind of a fast day. Joaquim couldn´t come home for lunch, and he got back at like 6:30 or 7pm because they had to pay basically everyone at the city hall yesterday before 5. Sheesh. So, for me the day was slow...spent with Alex and Jorge following me around, but it was ok. When he got back we had some late coffee and talked with Mãe, Pai, Luis (the oldest brother) and his wife. It was interesting, because I `met´ Luis, when I spoke no Portuguese, at Acácia´s wedding in December of 2006. He stayed at Ryan Anderson´s house where we hung out afterwards. And he, trying to remember who I was, said that he remembered me and another girl talking about who liked Joaquim more. This was truly ridiculous, because no one knew I liked him. So I said `ahhhh no, I didn´t tell anyone that I liked him...` and then Mãe piped in and said `oh yea, you were nice and quiet, but I noticed, did you know that?´ Apparently when I went to Grace´s house with some other girls from my Brazil team in May of 2006, she noticed there and told Grace that ´that one there who is going to be a journalist´ liked Joaquim. It was kind of funny to hear about that.

On a completely unrelated, and perhaps distressing note...in the time that I have been in Brazil, I gained 2 gray hairs. It´s a shame that I´m a real fan of my hair color, because in just a few short years it will be fake. Thanks mom.

melting iron

The best thing about carnaval wasn't having to cover my eyes while watching the news, but it was having 4 1/2 days of rest and relaxation with Joaquim. It began with a barbeque on Friday night and ended last night by going out to dinner with some of the people around here.

Sunday was incredibly relaxing, in the best way. After church I came back and went straight to bed for almost 2 hours because of a very short night the day before. When I came staggering out of my room around 1, it was time for lunch, and after that I brought my blanket outside on the grass, covered by the shade of the palm tree and another giant tree of some tropical-ish variety. With the breeze, I hardly noticed the upper-80's degree heat. I played a few games of chess with Joaquim, which I lost terribly because I believe my brain is entirely incapable of strategizing. Joaquim's however, is very able, and thus he continued to beat me and later complained that he wished he had had to try harder. I informed him that's not really something you should say to someone. Haha.

The rest of Sunday was beautiful, I sang in church with Jorge, a friend here at Lar who has a fabulous voice, and had been asking me all week to teach him "The Power of Your Love." Well, he learned it and we sang it on Sunday night. I was a little wary of singing again in church because a few weeks ago a girl sang a song and Pai was saying later at dinner that it was awful, that he only likes a few hymns...therefore I was a little wary of singing again. However, much to my great joy, he actually congratulated me and Jorge for singing such a beautiful song, said that he liked it a lot, and that even though he couldn't understand the words, being in English, he felt like he could. Everyone commented later about how rare that is, so I was very blessed to have been able to bless him that way.

The rest of the few days were spent playing games with more visitors, playing with more kids, watching Casino Royale, which was once again a great movie, and Joaquim is now obsessed with it, going out to Japanese for lunch on Monday, going out to dinner on Sunday, lots of activity and laughing and fun.

Yesterday morning, on a more serious note, I read something interesting in My Utmost for His Highest. Oswald Chambers talked about how we need to put our lives, our wills, everything on the altar, and only after being refined through fire are we ready to withstand anything. A line that caught my attention was "don't complain when the fire starts." So many times we say ohhhh yes, Lord you can have this, blah blah blah. Because we know in our minds that He actually knows what He's doing, and that it will be the best for us. But when we actually start to see what that "best" is...we're not too happy, especially with the process. I realized that I was starting to feel the fire getting hotter and hotter. Starting to think about not knowing when I will be back here next, or rather when I will be with Joaquim next, I'm feeling the fire. We're both feeling it. But I had a thought.
Say you have two pieces of iron. What do you do to put them together?
Throw them in the fire, then take them out and hammer them to oblivion...or something like that.
But after that, can you take them apart?
Nope.

On a lighter note, returning again. One thing I've noticed at Lar is that teasing is often much meaner than I'm used to. However, I can't deny that it's hilarious. For instance, João Paulo is very overweight because his mom gave him medicine to gain weight when he was a baby, and gave him a year's dose in a month. So now he's here at Lar and has already lost 6 kilos, but still he's a bit blubbery. While playing soccer, people (meaning my boyfriend) yell "let's use João Paulo as the backup ball!" Or while driving with a tire that is going flat people (once again, my boyfriend) yell "don't worry, we have a spare tire...João Paulo." It made me think that Americans are often very oversensitive. Thinking that teachers can't give a child a bad grade because it might hurt their fragile ego. Not so here, these kids have egos harder than rocks.

Well, I'm not sure what else I wanted to say in this terribly unorganized and stream of consciousness entry. But it's true that I'm leaving 1 week from today, and I'm not exactly happy about that. What to do, what to do...

American Ice

This morning/afternoon I decided to lay back and be American. Sometimes I get tired of cultural differences and trying to be respectful, so today I felt lazy. For instance, this morning I was planning my schedule for the day, something my boyfriend rarely, if ever, does. As he sat listening to Pai and an admiring visitor from Sao Paulo talking about any and everything, my mind was on laundry, a shower, and how I could best achieve both of those things in the least amount of time. I decided I could throw my laundry in the machine while leaving Joaquim to talk, or rather listen, and return to take a shower and be done with both by the time anyone even noticed. And then I remembered I was at Lar Batista.

When I finally convinced Joaquim to walk down to his house to open doors for me, considering everything here is under lock and key, the laundry room was already quite occupied. So my promised, "it will just be 5 minutes..." was already broken. Whoops. After about 20 minutes of chatting, once again I looked at the laundry room and put my clothes in the machine. After about 30 minutes I checked and realized it hadn't been filling up, just water flowing through. So finally, after I put everything where it needed to be, it started to wash. I then got involved in looking at stuff about Moody and financial aid and student visas and I-20 forms online with Joaquim, and eventually left to go take a shower. When I returned, I was walking through the front yard and felt a bee land on my forearm, sting me, and fly away. I have no idea what I did to provoke such a thing, but I had been stung. I arrived in the house, desiring the one thing every American "needs" after basically any injury: ICE.

I remember when I was still living in Londrina...Joaquim visited and we were making chocolate chip cookies. He burned his finger taking a cookie sheet out of the oven, and it got a little swollen and red. What is my first reaction? Naturally, run it under freezing cold water and if necessary, procure some ice and a plastic bag or a rag with which to hold it. When I said that, he looked and me and said "that's such an American thing to say..." and proceeded to rub a piece of his hair between his fingers, one burnt and the other not. This, apparently, was supposed to cure his burn. So, after his remedy, I instituted mine, and all was right with the world. I also forced some ice on him a few days ago when he had 3 blisters on the palm of his hand, and he admitted with some surprise that it really worked. Of course, ice is the miracle curer.

So, now my arm has been iced, I have taken a shower, and my clothes are just finishing the spin cycle in the washer, soon to be hung in the hot sun that is shining so brightly today.