Every once in a while, I google "Brazil" and click on "news," just to see what is going on. Today I read an article about a recent soccer win. Brazil's famous "joga bonito" (literally, play beautiful, but really referring more to the flare with which the Brazilian team plays) seems to have undergone some changes. Their win against Argentina was not as flashy or showy as in the past, but was precise and calculated. The article I read included a quote from a Brazilian fan who was grieved by the win. They felt it would be better to lose and still play with their 'jogo bonito' style than to be a 'hideous machine,' as she said. This is apparently a common sentiment among Brazil's fans. I found that to be an incredible insight into the heart of Brazilian culture. How can you NOT love that???
A friend told me the other day that I was "glowing." I'm not sure if that is true, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that in this trip, my heart's desires are truly coming together and taking shape. It has really been exciting to see, and I also get the sense that I don't even know the half of what is coming in the next six months.
Just a few nights ago, I really began praying that God would prepare me to leave. I am so excited that I think I don't stop enough to consider the gravity of a trip of this length. I read through Ephesians 6 and was reminded of Paul's call to constantly put on the armor of God, and to stand. As I fell asleep later that night, I suddenly felt with renewed intensity that these next three weeks may be incredibly difficult.
It is no secret that the enemy does not want me to go to Brazil. The great passion in my heart for this ministry, combined with the obstacles I have already overcome (and still am trying to) are clear indicators that the Lord has big things in store. This is both incredibly exhilerating and sobering. I feel ready for anything now, but miscommunications and problems still take me by surprise.
3 weeks from today I will be arriving in Iguassu Falls. From there, I will go to Lar Batista, the place where I first fell in love with Brazil, and will hopefully spend one week there. It still hasn't begun to feel real to me. I have yet to fully understand that I will be in the same place I was in March of 2006, when now I am in such a very different situation. Before I had no idea what to expect and barely knew my team members. Now I am going alone, preparing for 6 months in the country, and, thanks to strong relationships that have been built over the last year, I am anxiously expected. It is truly an honor to have that said from a place that means so much to you.
After what I know will be a great week in Assis Chateaubriand, I will make the 4 hour trip to Londrina, and will begin the process of settling in for a good 4 months.
So, the time is coming...20 days until I leave...and God is good.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
YES!
Thank you for all of your prayers - My visa has arrived!!
I applied for a 5 year visa, but only received one for 90 days. This can be renewed once I arrive in Brazil for another 90 days, so this should not affect my plans for this trip. However, when I return home in February and want to turn around and go back, I'm not sure what I will do. Thankfully though, the Lord knows and He is only expecting me to obey now and GO to Brazil. So I will!!
I leave on August 14th, which is SO CLOSE it's starting to scare me! I have been slaving over licking and stamping envelopes, making packing lists, formulating plans to go shopping for luggage and other necessities, and also trying to see everyone I possibly can before I go. It's stressful in such a wonderful way.
I can't wait to finally arrive in Iguassu Falls and see Joaquim and his family, and then start my work with OMS at the end of August! This is a dream come true, and I'm sure I will feel that way for the next 7 months.
For those 7 months to truly be that way, I still need a lot of prayer about the visa extension. It's in the Lord's hands, and I know He knows what He's doing...but I'm not sure that I know right now. Please pray that I will be able to stay for a full 6 months without any trouble.
Thank you all so much, and please expect to receive a letter from me soon with more great details about my mission!
I applied for a 5 year visa, but only received one for 90 days. This can be renewed once I arrive in Brazil for another 90 days, so this should not affect my plans for this trip. However, when I return home in February and want to turn around and go back, I'm not sure what I will do. Thankfully though, the Lord knows and He is only expecting me to obey now and GO to Brazil. So I will!!
I leave on August 14th, which is SO CLOSE it's starting to scare me! I have been slaving over licking and stamping envelopes, making packing lists, formulating plans to go shopping for luggage and other necessities, and also trying to see everyone I possibly can before I go. It's stressful in such a wonderful way.
I can't wait to finally arrive in Iguassu Falls and see Joaquim and his family, and then start my work with OMS at the end of August! This is a dream come true, and I'm sure I will feel that way for the next 7 months.
For those 7 months to truly be that way, I still need a lot of prayer about the visa extension. It's in the Lord's hands, and I know He knows what He's doing...but I'm not sure that I know right now. Please pray that I will be able to stay for a full 6 months without any trouble.
Thank you all so much, and please expect to receive a letter from me soon with more great details about my mission!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
In church this Sunday, I learned about dealing with disappointment. Messages like that sometimes terrify me, because I just get this sinking feeling that I will one day (aka, sometime this week) have to do it. I keep hearing that God teaches us to trust him through things like that, etc., and I am afraid that I've got something to learn. I know that is so irrational because He doesn't work like that...But I keep thinking it.
Sunday afternoon during a thoughtful lull in life, I prayed and wrote a little about that, as I tried to focus on how God is GOOD, and doesn't just want to slam all the doors in my face just to teach me a lesson, etc...but I was sort of lost in thought all day, running in circles in my head trying to remind myself of that every 5 minutes.
After thinking and spending some more time praying and then talking with Joaquim, I still didn't feel settled. When I was little, I used to play with a toy my Grandparents have. It was a plastic cylinder with hollow insides, and three or four levels you could see inside of it. There were also balls of different sizes and colors. When you shook the cylinder, the balls would fall through holes in each level. The largest balls would stay on top, while the smallest would fall all the way to the bottom, and the medium sized balls stayed on the middle levels, based on how their sizes corresponded to the sizes of the holes. Sometimes I feel like I have these multicolored balls inside my body and they aren't on the right levels. So I just shake myself up for a while until I am properly color-coded, and then I can sleep. This still needed to happen, after a long day of contemplating and talking with Joaquim about a hard day.
I didn't want to write anymore. I didn't feel like talking to anyone else. I just started talking outloud. So I sat in my bed, before turning the lights off so I wouldn't fall asleep, and just spoke every thought that entered my head...and in a few minutes, I was crying about how I'm so scared. I've had a few nights of tears on my pillow about my visa, but Sunday night I was more afraid than I've ever been. Though I am confident that all of my plans have been made as I earnestly sought God's face and His desires for this next year, I still worry that my life will crumble before my very eyes. I know God will be there to pick up the pieces, but I'm scared anyway. I realized with complete horror that never EVER in my life have I been as vulnerable as I am right now. I have nothing protecting my heart, except knowing that it's in God's hands, and it REALLY is, my goodness. I don't even remember letting it go, but somewhere in all of this, I did. That's a good thing, right? Sometimes I find myself scrambling to try and get it back...but it seems that "finders, keepers" is still the rule of the playground.
When I say my heart, I don't mean it in a romantic sense, but as in the essence of who I am and what I want. It has been totally taken over by all things Brazilian, and given over to God, which is why it was "taken over" in the first place. But as I cried in my big purple bed, I just...knew everything would be fine. When I woke up Monday morning, the first thing I thought of was that good chat with the Lord, who loves me so much - a lot more than anyone else ever will - and I felt so good.
These times of unknowns are the easiest opportunities for satan to just bother me. But in the scheme of things he's just like a little gnat. The enemy is so insignificant because God is so absolutely magnificent. Even if satan pokes and prods at me forever and ever, even in a case like Job...he loses. And all he is doing right now is trying to scare me out of what is SURELY going to be wonderful.
God knows my heart, because He made it. He planted these seeds while I was at Lar Batista, and He has watched them grow since then, when I could only sit back and say, "I have no idea what is happening here..." I remember when I left there, I felt like I've never felt before. I've tried to explain it to some, but it's not something that can be explained, and it never ceases to amaze me. I felt so ripped away from something that just felt so right, and I had no idea what it was. But all I knew was that I felt like I was leaving my home, my family, forever, and that seemed impossible. I just remember thinking, "HOW can I never see them again?" And yet I barely knew them. It seemed like the most ridiculous thought that I would never go back. But it seemed more ridiculous that I would care that much after four very fast days. The truth is, I've been lots of places. I've met lots of people who have touched my heart. I've been to Israel, and didn't shed a tear when I left. I've been to Greece and had such a sweet tour guide, but all I thought was that it will be nice to see him again in heaven. I've been on mission trips, vacations, and never have I been so confused when we pulled away, thinking that I had been tricked into leaving my own home. Now I understand, that God was growing and fostering this weird love for that place, ha. I'm crazy, and I know it and love it.
Sometimes, like Sunday, I just find myself thrashisg in these waters and forget that I know how to swim, because WOW, I'm in so deep. But the funny thing in swimming is that thrashing only makes you sink. If you just stop moving and lie on your back, you can float safely for hours on end. So all I can do is float in this proverbial sea of "who knows" and "I hope." Maybe the next time I lift up my head I will be able to see some solid ground.
Sunday afternoon during a thoughtful lull in life, I prayed and wrote a little about that, as I tried to focus on how God is GOOD, and doesn't just want to slam all the doors in my face just to teach me a lesson, etc...but I was sort of lost in thought all day, running in circles in my head trying to remind myself of that every 5 minutes.
After thinking and spending some more time praying and then talking with Joaquim, I still didn't feel settled. When I was little, I used to play with a toy my Grandparents have. It was a plastic cylinder with hollow insides, and three or four levels you could see inside of it. There were also balls of different sizes and colors. When you shook the cylinder, the balls would fall through holes in each level. The largest balls would stay on top, while the smallest would fall all the way to the bottom, and the medium sized balls stayed on the middle levels, based on how their sizes corresponded to the sizes of the holes. Sometimes I feel like I have these multicolored balls inside my body and they aren't on the right levels. So I just shake myself up for a while until I am properly color-coded, and then I can sleep. This still needed to happen, after a long day of contemplating and talking with Joaquim about a hard day.
I didn't want to write anymore. I didn't feel like talking to anyone else. I just started talking outloud. So I sat in my bed, before turning the lights off so I wouldn't fall asleep, and just spoke every thought that entered my head...and in a few minutes, I was crying about how I'm so scared. I've had a few nights of tears on my pillow about my visa, but Sunday night I was more afraid than I've ever been. Though I am confident that all of my plans have been made as I earnestly sought God's face and His desires for this next year, I still worry that my life will crumble before my very eyes. I know God will be there to pick up the pieces, but I'm scared anyway. I realized with complete horror that never EVER in my life have I been as vulnerable as I am right now. I have nothing protecting my heart, except knowing that it's in God's hands, and it REALLY is, my goodness. I don't even remember letting it go, but somewhere in all of this, I did. That's a good thing, right? Sometimes I find myself scrambling to try and get it back...but it seems that "finders, keepers" is still the rule of the playground.
When I say my heart, I don't mean it in a romantic sense, but as in the essence of who I am and what I want. It has been totally taken over by all things Brazilian, and given over to God, which is why it was "taken over" in the first place. But as I cried in my big purple bed, I just...knew everything would be fine. When I woke up Monday morning, the first thing I thought of was that good chat with the Lord, who loves me so much - a lot more than anyone else ever will - and I felt so good.
These times of unknowns are the easiest opportunities for satan to just bother me. But in the scheme of things he's just like a little gnat. The enemy is so insignificant because God is so absolutely magnificent. Even if satan pokes and prods at me forever and ever, even in a case like Job...he loses. And all he is doing right now is trying to scare me out of what is SURELY going to be wonderful.
God knows my heart, because He made it. He planted these seeds while I was at Lar Batista, and He has watched them grow since then, when I could only sit back and say, "I have no idea what is happening here..." I remember when I left there, I felt like I've never felt before. I've tried to explain it to some, but it's not something that can be explained, and it never ceases to amaze me. I felt so ripped away from something that just felt so right, and I had no idea what it was. But all I knew was that I felt like I was leaving my home, my family, forever, and that seemed impossible. I just remember thinking, "HOW can I never see them again?" And yet I barely knew them. It seemed like the most ridiculous thought that I would never go back. But it seemed more ridiculous that I would care that much after four very fast days. The truth is, I've been lots of places. I've met lots of people who have touched my heart. I've been to Israel, and didn't shed a tear when I left. I've been to Greece and had such a sweet tour guide, but all I thought was that it will be nice to see him again in heaven. I've been on mission trips, vacations, and never have I been so confused when we pulled away, thinking that I had been tricked into leaving my own home. Now I understand, that God was growing and fostering this weird love for that place, ha. I'm crazy, and I know it and love it.
Sometimes, like Sunday, I just find myself thrashisg in these waters and forget that I know how to swim, because WOW, I'm in so deep. But the funny thing in swimming is that thrashing only makes you sink. If you just stop moving and lie on your back, you can float safely for hours on end. So all I can do is float in this proverbial sea of "who knows" and "I hope." Maybe the next time I lift up my head I will be able to see some solid ground.
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