Though it Linger...Wait For it

In church this Sunday, I learned about dealing with disappointment. Messages like that sometimes terrify me, because I just get this sinking feeling that I will one day (aka, sometime this week) have to do it. I keep hearing that God teaches us to trust him through things like that, etc., and I am afraid that I've got something to learn. I know that is so irrational because He doesn't work like that...But I keep thinking it.

Sunday afternoon during a thoughtful lull in life, I prayed and wrote a little about that, as I tried to focus on how God is GOOD, and doesn't just want to slam all the doors in my face just to teach me a lesson, etc...but I was sort of lost in thought all day, running in circles in my head trying to remind myself of that every 5 minutes.

After thinking and spending some more time praying and then talking with Joaquim, I still didn't feel settled. When I was little, I used to play with a toy my Grandparents have. It was a plastic cylinder with hollow insides, and three or four levels you could see inside of it. There were also balls of different sizes and colors. When you shook the cylinder, the balls would fall through holes in each level. The largest balls would stay on top, while the smallest would fall all the way to the bottom, and the medium sized balls stayed on the middle levels, based on how their sizes corresponded to the sizes of the holes. Sometimes I feel like I have these multicolored balls inside my body and they aren't on the right levels. So I just shake myself up for a while until I am properly color-coded, and then I can sleep. This still needed to happen, after a long day of contemplating and talking with Joaquim about a hard day.

I didn't want to write anymore. I didn't feel like talking to anyone else. I just started talking outloud. So I sat in my bed, before turning the lights off so I wouldn't fall asleep, and just spoke every thought that entered my head...and in a few minutes, I was crying about how I'm so scared. I've had a few nights of tears on my pillow about my visa, but Sunday night I was more afraid than I've ever been. Though I am confident that all of my plans have been made as I earnestly sought God's face and His desires for this next year, I still worry that my life will crumble before my very eyes. I know God will be there to pick up the pieces, but I'm scared anyway. I realized with complete horror that never EVER in my life have I been as vulnerable as I am right now. I have nothing protecting my heart, except knowing that it's in God's hands, and it REALLY is, my goodness. I don't even remember letting it go, but somewhere in all of this, I did. That's a good thing, right? Sometimes I find myself scrambling to try and get it back...but it seems that "finders, keepers" is still the rule of the playground.

When I say my heart, I don't mean it in a romantic sense, but as in the essence of who I am and what I want. It has been totally taken over by all things Brazilian, and given over to God, which is why it was "taken over" in the first place. But as I cried in my big purple bed, I just...knew everything would be fine. When I woke up Monday morning, the first thing I thought of was that good chat with the Lord, who loves me so much - a lot more than anyone else ever will - and I felt so good.

These times of unknowns are the easiest opportunities for satan to just bother me. But in the scheme of things he's just like a little gnat. The enemy is so insignificant because God is so absolutely magnificent. Even if satan pokes and prods at me forever and ever, even in a case like Job...he loses. And all he is doing right now is trying to scare me out of what is SURELY going to be wonderful.

God knows my heart, because He made it. He planted these seeds while I was at Lar Batista, and He has watched them grow since then, when I could only sit back and say, "I have no idea what is happening here..." I remember when I left there, I felt like I've never felt before. I've tried to explain it to some, but it's not something that can be explained, and it never ceases to amaze me. I felt so ripped away from something that just felt so right, and I had no idea what it was. But all I knew was that I felt like I was leaving my home, my family, forever, and that seemed impossible. I just remember thinking, "HOW can I never see them again?" And yet I barely knew them. It seemed like the most ridiculous thought that I would never go back. But it seemed more ridiculous that I would care that much after four very fast days. The truth is, I've been lots of places. I've met lots of people who have touched my heart. I've been to Israel, and didn't shed a tear when I left. I've been to Greece and had such a sweet tour guide, but all I thought was that it will be nice to see him again in heaven. I've been on mission trips, vacations, and never have I been so confused when we pulled away, thinking that I had been tricked into leaving my own home. Now I understand, that God was growing and fostering this weird love for that place, ha. I'm crazy, and I know it and love it.

Sometimes, like Sunday, I just find myself thrashisg in these waters and forget that I know how to swim, because WOW, I'm in so deep. But the funny thing in swimming is that thrashing only makes you sink. If you just stop moving and lie on your back, you can float safely for hours on end. So all I can do is float in this proverbial sea of "who knows" and "I hope." Maybe the next time I lift up my head I will be able to see some solid ground.